Want Help Choosing A Better Partner? Here Are Tips...

Sensual Tip of the Week:

By now, I'm sure that most of us are at least a little familiar with the Amber Heard/Johhny Depp case. There is much to discuss, as this case brings up dozens of issues from domestic abuse, to childhood abuse, to entitlement and beyond.

But what strikes me most is that in spite of having such contempt for one another now, they chose each other. How and why we will probably never know.

This question of how is an important one, however. I believe that for far too many people their how or vetting process is non-existent or quite limited - especially for men choosing a female mate. Perhaps a more thorough vetting process for both Johnny and Amber could have avoided emotional and physical pain and for Depp, prevented the loss of tens of millions of dollars in revenue.

I believe in making lists for the important things in life to improve choices, prioritize and ensure completion. Very few things are more important than screening a potential life long partner, so this list logic also applies here.

Below, I have listed several areas for one to examine in considering a potential mate. Feel free to use this as you see fit - add or edit questions and areas, etc. - but please at least use this as a starting point in mate selection. The areas are in no particular order so feel free to prioritize them. Have a list of your nonnegotiables (and know why they are nonnegotiable) and then prioritize the others that are negotiable.

Let’s look at 9 areas:

1. Relating – Family, friends & mates (The number one question is how do they relate to their family, parents (particularly of the opposite sex?), exes (how do they talk about their exes? Are breakups always the other person’s fault? If so, that is a huge red flag – it could mean avoidance, denial, lying or all three)

2. Personality – Are they evolving learning and changing? Are they on a quest for self-perfecting? Any mental health issues? Have they gone through counseling? Medication? Relating styles, loyalty, conflict resolution, temperament, trustworthiness, etc. For men – does she respect and value you? For women – does he make you feel safe and listen to you?

3. Money – Credit, taxes, importance of money, standard of living, conservative, generous?

4. Religious – Spiritual beliefs, prejudices, practices

5. Morality – Definitions of right and wrong

6. Politics – Conservative vs liberal or...?

7. Sexuality – Do they like sex? Do you? Do they like BDSM or more regular sex? Have they experienced sexual trauma? Have they had counseling? Are their sexual appetites more traditional? Are they willing to explore? Do they want to swing? Are they polyamorous? Bisexual? Omnisexual? Are you?

8. Social – Homebody, social butterfly, quiet, loud, reserved, gregarious, jealous, secure?

9. Physical - Are they in reasonable health? What is their fitness level? Do they prioritize staying in shape? Do you? Do they eat healthy? Are you physically attracted to them? Are they to you?

This may seem a bit mechanical, but it will help to add up or check off those things that you find in your mate that are compatible with you. Perhaps have an 'x' for those characteristics that are not. When finished, add up the desirable vs. undesirable traits of your mate and weigh these against who you are (positive and negative traits) and what you want, to determine compatibility. Above all be HONEST with yourself. The answers are not about what we want, but about what currently IS. Ask the questions that matter and accept the answers that are given knowing that they will come in verbal and non-verbal ways. Be aware of both.

And once you have the answers, be prepared to act accordingly. Don't deny the facts.

Enjoy your search!

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Peace, Love & Liberation,

Cazembe (aka Lord Vesper)